


admin privileges

by watfordbird33



Category: Carry On - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: F/F, I Don't Even Know, M/M, What Have I Done, text fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-18
Updated: 2017-04-18
Packaged: 2018-10-20 11:17:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,608
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10661460
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/watfordbird33/pseuds/watfordbird33
Summary: Simon made the chat. They blamed him accordingly.





	admin privileges

**Author's Note:**

> Well. I was attempting to write a nice sad barrel of Wolfstar angst, but I failed and instead created this monstrosity. Warnings for language and lots of sexual references and innuendos. I encourage you to read even if you don't ship Penny/Agatha. Good luck...

**{simon** created a new chat **}**

**{simon** added  **penny, agatha,** and  **baz** to the chat **}**

**simon:** I’M BORED ENTERTAIN ME

**baz:** gladly ;)

**penny:** ABANDON SHIP GET OUT WHILE YOU STILL CAN AGHHH MY EYES AGGIE DON’T READ THIS

 

**{simon** renamed the chat  **ily babe}**

**baz:** awww <3 <3 <3 babe

**agatha:** SHIT OW PENNY WHY DIDN’T YOU WARN ME

**penny:** I LITERALLY DID

**agatha:** I’M SO DONE THEY’RE INSATIABLE

**simon:** awww look they like us 2

**simon:** we can be in one of those poliamurus relationships

**penny:** *polyamorous

**penny:** if ur gonna hit on me, hit on me with correct spelling

**simon:** fuk u

**penny:** exactly

 

**{simon** renamed  **baz edward cullen}**

**edward cullen:** wtf

**penny:** aww okay that’s literally the cutest thing i’ve seen so far in this shitshow of a chat

**simon:** PENNY AM I ALSO THE CUTEST THING YOU’VE SEEN SO FAR IN THIS SHITSHOW OF A CHAT

**simon:** WANNA BE IN A POLIAMURUS RELATIONSHIP WITH ME

**penny:** ur literally my adopted brother

**simon:** “literally” >:( you’re literally an eyesore. like a sore. on my eye

**penny:** so the thing is i overuse literally but when i use it, it actually makes sense

**edward cullen:** savage

 

**edward cullen:** why did the guitar teacher get arrested?

**simon:** for fingering a minor 

**simon:** *high fives self* that was dope

**edward cullen:** aruiwefwgefishbdvARGHH FUCK U

**simon:** ;))))))

**agatha:** oh simon

**penny:** my eyes just died

**simon:** literally

**agatha:** simon i don’t think you understand what that word means

 

**{edward cullen** renamed  **simon devil’s spawn}**

**{edward cullen** renamed  **edward cullen hot as hell}**

**devil’s spawn:** NO WAIT WHY DO YOU HAVE ADMIN PRIVILEGES OKAY NO NOT ALLOWED

**hot as hell:** ;)

**agatha:** ew

**agatha:** but like, i ship it

**agatha:** just a bit

**devil’s spawn:** i ship all of us cuz we’re cute together

**penny:** i’m feeling uneasy w/ this concept of us in a polyamorous relationship

**agatha:** it’s kinda hot

**penny:** i’m not dating someone who can’t spell right

**agatha:** that’s so ritcheous of you

**penny:** …

**penny:** THAT’S IT WE’RE DONE BAZ AND I ARE RUNNING AWAY

**penny:** LET’S GO TO BERMUDA

**hot as hell:** HECK YA WE CAN SIT IN A DARK BASEMENT SO MY SKIN DOESN’T BURN

**hot as hell:** IT’LL BE A PARTY

 

**devil’s spawn:** my parents were kinda crappy

**penny:** simon it’s 4:30 in the morning

**devil’s spawn:** especially my dad

**devil’s spawn:** thinking about him makes me cry

**hot as hell:** i’ll be your dad

**penny:** …

**agatha:** …

**devil’s spawn:** aw bb

**hot as hell:** <3 and ur fucked-up boyfriend too

**agatha:** penny are we this bad

 

**{penny** renamed  **devil’s spawn smol gay boy 1}**

**{penny** renamed  **hot as hell smol gay boy 2}**

**smol gay boy 1:** PENNY I’M NOT GAY

**smol gay boy 1:** or maybe i am

**smol gay boy 1:** I’M HETEROHOMODEMISEXUAL

**agatha:** hate to tell u this but heterohomosexual=bisexual

**smol gay boy 1:** ...THE PERFECT SEXUALITY FOR A POLIAMURUS RELATIONSHIP

**penny:** that didn’t deter him for long

**agatha:** i’m dying laughing

**smol gay boy 1:** literally

**smol gay boy 2:** your inability to grasp grammatical rules is incredibly endearing

 

**penny** simon just threw up chili on my white shoes

**agatha:** EW EW EWWWWW LITERALLY THE GROSSEST THING EVER

**penny:** i think simon’s rubbing off on you

**penny:** in a manner of speaking ;) ;)

**penny:** AGATHA THAT WASN’T ME THAT WAS SIMON HE STOLE MY PHONE I’M SORRY BABE I DON’T SUPPORT THE POLY RELATIONSHIP I’M SORRY I’M SORRY I’M

**agatha:** don’t be it was hot

 

**{smol gay boy 1** renamed **smol gay boy 2 bazzy bear}**

**{smol gay boy 1** renamed  **smol gay boy 1 simon}**

**{simon** renamed the chat  **rolypoly}**

**simon:** get it

**simon:** get it

**simon:** poliamurus

**penny:** *polyamorous

**simon:** rolypoly

**bazzy bear:** HOW DID HE GET ADMIN PRIVILEGES

**agatha:** rip me

**agatha:** no one gives me admin privileges

**simon:** ...i’ll give u admin privileges ;) ;)

**agatha:** …

**penny:** new respect for ppl in poly relationships not killing each other from jealousy

**simon:** oh so we are in a poly relationship

**simon:** ;)

**agatha:** it’s interesting that one winky face can so thoroughly transform the entire trajectory of a convo

**bazzy bear:** wait snow...would u give me admin privileges?

**simon:** on my way rn

**simon:** driving at the speed of light

**simon:** literally

 

**{bazzy bear** created a new chat **}**

**{bazzy bear** added  **penny** to the chat}

**bazzy bear:** we kind of glossed over this but did he really label himself

**penny:** “heterohomodemisexual”

**bazzy bear:** i feel like a proud father

**penny:** oh yah ur his dad

**penny:** forgot about that…

**bazzy bear:** but like

**bazzy bear:** he labeled himself

**penny:** crudely

**bazzy bear:** but he did it

**bazzy bear:** i’m crying

**penny:** how were the admin privileges

**{bazzy bear** sent an image **}**

**penny:** o

**penny:** k

**penny:** bye now

 

**agatha:** okay wait did no one notice that simon spelled polyamorous “poliamurus” and yet still managed to name the chat rolyPOLY?

**agatha:** guess that was just me

**simon:** @agatha that’s unimportant what rlly matters is if you noticed ROLYpoly

**simon:** ;)

 

**penny:** tbh this is kinda disturbing me

**bazzy bear:** naw he means well, he’s just a sweet, outgoing guy

**simon:** with a rockin bod

 

 **simon:** bazzy boo remember when we read twilight together

**simon:** we curled up on my bed and you read it to me

**simon:** and i touched your skin and asked you if you sparkled

**simon:** and then i fell asleep and u watched me all night

**simon:** and in the morning

**bazzy bear:** we had pancakes

**simon:** what

**bazzy bear:** WE HAD PANCAKES

**simon:** ...oho...AND SAUSAGE ;)

**agatha:** nefjkduhuiewbdHIOUJEKWFUHO

**bazzy bear:** this didn’t happen

**simon:** and after the sausage when we were

**bazzy bear:** AT THE TABLE

**simon:** you recited all the cullens

**simon:** one by one

**simon:** while

**bazzy bear:** WHILE EATING PANCAKES

**simon:** and then you

**bazzy bear:** CUT UP MY PANCAKES WITH A FORK

**simon:** and i

**bazzy bear:** PUT SYRUP ON THEM

**simon:** although ofc i paid special attention to the sausage

**agatha:** penny i’m dead rip my life where r u i wanna see your beautiful face one last time before i go

**penny:** OH MY GOD

**penny:** MY EYES ARE LITERALLY SHRIVELING UP INTO LITTLE WRINKLED BUNDLES AND BEING LIT ON FIRE

**simon:** i feel like that was an incorrect usage

**agatha:** he’s literally right ;)

**penny:** STFU UR NOT BEING A GOOD GIRLFRIEND

**simon:** since you messed up can you admit you're not perfect and date us

**agatha:** i’m in!

**bazzy bear:** yes wellbelove we know

 

**{simon** created a new chat **}**

**{simon** added  **bazzy bear** to the chat **}**

**simon:** hey boo

**bazzy bear:** hey snugglebutt

**simon:** hey honeybear

**bazzy bear:** hey baby

**simon:** hey sweatcheeks

**simon:** ***sweetcheeks

 

**{bazzy bear** renamed the chat  **sweatcheeks}**

**agatha:** ew wtf i don’t even know the context and i’m still cringing

**bazzy bear:** goddammit snow ily

**simon:** AWWWWW

**simon:** DO U LOVE ME ENOUGH TO HAVE AN OPEN MARRIAGE

**bazzy bear:** …

**bazzy bear:** maybe not that much but like

**bazzy bear:** ur pretty amazing

**bazzy bear:** okay i’ve displayed enough emotion for the day to seem human, i’m gonna go drink blood

**penny:** THAT WAS SO SWEET OH MY GOD

**penny:** except for si ruining it w/ his open marriage

**simon:** agatha and i will have an open marriage since we’re the only ones who support it

**bazzy bear:** snow. an open marriage is different from a poliamurus relationship

**simon:** ………….POLYAMOROUS****

**bazzy bear:** FUXCING AUTORCRECT

 

**{agatha** renamed the chat  **are we capable of being serious}**

**simon:** no

**agatha:** well i need us to be

**penny:** u okay

**agatha:** no

**penny:** aggie talk to me bb

**agatha:** i hate 

**agatha:** boys

**bazzy bear:** *keeps mouth shut*

**simon:** i love boys

**bazzy bear:** snow shut it

**agatha:** i hate boys bc they say horrible things abt you when you are just walking down the street trying to go to a cafe to have brunch w/ ur girlfriend and they whistle and jeer and then they call you horrible names and you feel like shit and you feel worthless and worse than worthless and 

**agatha:** and

**agatha:** and

**agatha:** idk

**penny:** aw baby

**penny:** aw baby i want to kill them oh i’m so sorry oh

**penny:** ur not worthless

**penny:** ur beautiful

**penny:** ur sweet and ur funny and naive and smart and strong and beautiful and i love you

**agatha:** okay

**penny:** okay?

**agatha:** yeah

**agatha:** okay

 

**{simon** created a new chat **}**

**{simon** added  **bazzy bear** to the chat **}**

**bazzy bear:** we don’t need another chat

**simon:** yeah we do, listen 

**simon:** i don’t feel

**simon:** like i can be in a poliamurus relationship anymore bc they’re rlly fucking sweet and idk when that happened

**bazzy bear:** mmhmm

**simon:** so

**simon:** ik you really wanted to be in a poliamurus relationship so i’m sorry :(

**bazzy bear:** mmhmm

**simon:** i’ll give you admin privileges

**bazzy bear:** <3 both kinds?

**simon:** both kinds

**simon:** and i’ll give u a tummy rub

**bazzy bear:** ugh “tummy rub” sounds so explicit

**simon:** only explicit when i do it

**bazzy bear:** uh stop

**bazzy bear:** ur really bad at being sexy

**simon:** ;) mmhmm

**bazzy bear:** okay just stop

**bazzy bear:** fuck

**bazzy bear:** stop

 

**simon:** pegatha we have an announcement

**agatha:** oh wait shit is that us

**penny:** we have a ship name

**penny:** awwwwwww i like it

**simon:** baz and i don’t feel like we can intrude on such a painfully beautiful and innocent relationship

**simon:** so we’re all gonna be monoamurus

**simon:** is that a thing

**bazzy bear:** also like shallowly: ur nice girls but i’m gay

**simon:** not me

**simon:** i’m heterohomodemisexual

**bazzy bear:** well, yes, simon

**bazzy bear:** yes, you are


End file.
